apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
