I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
