11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So squirting runs in the family.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
