I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Come share oat with me in your robe
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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