i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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