They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
