Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
