Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
