Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
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Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i now understand why vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize