Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
