I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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