I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
