so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
