Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
