I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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