just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
