I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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