Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
