I want to have your abortion
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
