also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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