He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
