Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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