I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
