the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
