i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Come share oat with me in your robe
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
