i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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