Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
