Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I want her autograph on my taint
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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