glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
