seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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