Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Randomize
