morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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