I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
