I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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