look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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