she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
