respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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