there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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