God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
