I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
