How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
