I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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