What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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