You're my little dorito
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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