Got a toothbrush?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
