i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
