I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
