i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
