i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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