Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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