I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
