I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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