There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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