i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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