U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
