There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
